Tuesday, April 5, 2011


About a week ago, I bought Bulletstorm.

Less than a week after that, I began to hate it.

Seriously one of the worst games I have purchased since Final Fantasy 13.  My anger with the game began slowly, pretty much as soon as I started playing the game.  The opening scene was dumb as hell, and everything that followed that point just compounded stupid on top of stupid.

The absolute worst thing about this game though is the fact that the only weapon that is worth a damn is the shotgun, and anything else you are just wasting your time.

You get this thing very early on called the Leash.  This is basically a harpoon.  You Hit someone with it, they fly towards you, and then they start gliding in slow motion.  If you are lucky, you can sneak behind them and shoot them 40 times in the asshole to get a "Skillshot" called Rear Entry, which gives you 50 skill points.

Or you can kick them into a wall, save all your ammo, and get one of 8 different impaling skillkills that give you 100 skill points.  Which largely go unused because seriously everything you can buy is completely fucking worthless.

The game was completely uninspired, and somewhere in the development process, instead of saying "hey, were making a video game," they instead decided to hire all the 11-year-olds that inhabit XBox Live and commissioned them to write the most god awful dialog in the world.  There was really only one -- ONE -- good line in the game, and it was a few minutes before the end.  Maybe I just thought it was a good one because I say something similar when I tell people what I do while I'm at work.

Anyway, back to this whole Skillkill system or whatever they fuck they call it.

They have 8 different weapons in the game.  And none of them (except the shotgun) function how you would expect a weapon carrying their monikers would.  Each weapon though, has their own special group of "skillshots" that you can get with them.  And you get varying amounts of skill points for performing the kills. 

But, with how horribly the game was done, you'll only ever get 5 or 6 on purpose.

How horribly, you ask?

Let's look at the sniper rifle.  EVERYONE knows how this thing is SUPPOSED to work.  You zoom in, you find a head, and you make it disappear.  In THIS game, you zoom in, and it locks on, like a missle, and when you shoot it, when the bullet gets 50 feet away from your target, they start running around like god damn maniacs and you end up wasting 30 fucking bullets trying to kill 4 guys, because apparently everything in this game can see a high velocity sniper round coming at them, no matter what they are hiding behind.

Fuckin stupid.

Anyway, back to this leash.  The only thing that functions like it should.  You see an enemy, you leash them towards you, and then you kick them off a ledge.  Or, since the game encourages it, you cheat, and leash them from behind a wall into one of the hundreds or environmental objects you can use to impale them.

Almost everywhere in the game, there is either a big fucking cactus, steel building reinforcements, or some kind of big god damn pipe  you can kick or leash an enemy into.  Using guns is the least effective way to play the game.

Which is sad, considering its the games titular describer.

You have failed, People Can Fly.  You have failed.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand fuck you EA for charging people 10 dollars for an online pass.

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